Just let this sink in...

Gov. Sarah Palin:

Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land, vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe, and opportunity. He boldly looked "North to the Future". But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this "Seward's Folly". Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but RIGHT path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States.

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic IN the world as the air crossroads OF the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this - Alaska would be part of America's great destiny.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas. It's energy! God gave us energy.

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional “politics as usual”.

And we are doing well! My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans.

We aggressively and responsibly develop our resources because they were created to be used to better our world... to HELP people... and we protect the environment and Alaskans (the resource owners) foremost with our policies.

Here’s some of the things we’ve done:

We created a petroleum integrity office to oversee safe development. We held the line FOR Alaskans on Point Thomson – and finally for the first time in decades – they’re drilling for oil and gas.

We have AGIA, the gasline project – a massive bi-partisan victory (the vote was 58 to 1!) – also succeeding as intended - protecting Alaskans as our clean natural gas will flow to energize us, and America, through a competitive, pro-private sector project. This is the largest private sector energy project, ever. THIS is energy independence.

And ACES – another bipartisan effort – is working as intended and industry is publicly acknowledging its success. Our new oil and gas “clear and equitable formula” is so Alaskans will no longer be taken advantage of. ACES incentivizes NEW exploration and development and JOBS that were previously not going to happen with a monopolized North Slope oil basin.

We cleaned up previously accepted unethical actions; we ushered in bi-partisan Ethics Reform.

We also slowed the rate of government growth, we worked with the Legislature to save billions of dollars for the future, and I made no lobbyist friends with my hundreds of millions of dollars in budget vetoes... but living beyond our means today is irresponsible for tomorrow.

We took government out of the dairy business and put it back into private-sector hands – where it should be.

We provided unprecedented support for education initiatives, and with the right leadership, finally filled long-vacant public safety positions. We built a sub-Cabinet on Climate Change and took heat from Outside special interests for our biologically-sound wildlife management for abundance.

We broke ground on the new prison.

And we made common sense conservative choices to eliminate personal luxuries like the jet, the chef, the junkets... the entourage.

And the Lt. Governor and I said "no" to our pay raises. So much success in this first term – and with this success I am proud to take credit... for hiring the right people! Our goal was to achieve a gasline project, more fair oil and gas valuation, and ethics reform in four years. We did it in two. It’s because of the people… good public servants surrounding the Governor's office, with servants' hearts and astounding work ethic... THEY are Alaska's success!

We are doing well! I wish you'd hear MORE from the media of your state's progress and how we tackle Outside interests - daily - SPECIAL interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states’ rights – TWO huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal Ninth Circuit, deciding in OUR state’s favor over the last two weeks. We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in 10th amendment.

But you don’t hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Let me speak to that for a minute.

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice. Over the past nine months I've been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters’ questions.

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! But it hasn't been cheap - the State has wasted THOUSANDS of hours of YOUR time and shelled out some two million of YOUR dollars to respond to “opposition research” – that’s money NOT going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And this political absurdity, the “politics of personal destruction” … Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn’t cost them a dime so they’re not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples’ money in their game.

It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with THIS instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but THIS isn’t what anyone had in mind for ALASKA.

If I have learned one thing: LIFE is about choices!

And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose NOT to tear down and waste precious time; but to build UP this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people!

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

Nah, only dead fish "go with the flow".

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time... to BUILD UP.

And there is such a need to BUILD up and FIGHT for our state and our country. I choose to FIGHT for it! And I'll work hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and LIFE... I'll work for and campaign for those PROUD to be American, and those who are INSPIRED by our ideals and won't deride them.

I WILL support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the RIGHT reasons, and I don't care what party they're in or no party at all. Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

I've never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this - to make a difference... to HELP people. So I choose, for my State and my family, more "freedom" to progress, all the way around... so that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn’t run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that’s what’s wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and “milk it”. I’m not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness! ? That’s not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old “politics as usual.” I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

It’s not what is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

With this announcement that I am not seeking re-election… I’ve determined it’s best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell; and I am willing to do so, so that this administration – with its positive agenda, its accomplishments, and its successful road to an incredible future – can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

My choice is to take a stand and effect change – not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities – and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully… and my last day won’t be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in – in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor’s picnics.

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you TRUST me with this decision – but it’s no more “politics as usual”.

Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either. ? Some will question the timing. ? Let’s just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile…

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life - my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from OUTSIDE the Governor's office?" It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!" The "hell yeah" sealed it - and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we ALL could learn so much from someone like Trig - I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities RIGHT – that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs", not fewer.

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for OUR freedom and security… we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops… they’re bold, they don’t give up, they take a stand and know that LIFE is short so they choose to NOT waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than SELF... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions – those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and NOT this local / superficial wasteful political bloodsport.

May we ALL learn from them!

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction.

Now, despite this, I don’t want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this REAL “climate change” that began in August… no, we NEED hardworking, average Americans fighting for what’s right! And I will support you because we need YOU and YOU can effect change, and I can too on the outside.

We need those who will respect our Constitution where government’s supposed to serve from the BOTTOM UP, not move toward this TOP DOWN big government take-over… but rather, will be protectors of individual rights - who also have enough common sense to acknowledge when conditions have drastically changed and are willing to call an audible and pass the ball when it’s time so the team can win! And that is what I’m doing!

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future. It'll be good. So God bless you, and from me and my family - to ALL Alaska - you have my heart.

And we will be in the capable hands of our Lieutenant Governor, Sean Parnell. And Lieutenant General Craig Campbell will assume the role of Lieutenant Governor. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist. We have a good, positive agenda for Alaska.

In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”

my "date"

Here's a few highlights from my "date". I can't even make this shit up, wish I were believe me.

- 10 minutes after we get to her place we begin watching Match Point, reinforces preexisting fears of being killed by her

- 15 minutes in, she friends me on facebook (thank god I didn't accept it on my bb). this leads to hour long conversation about her "x-best friend" who sent her a frenvitation (does that word exist yet? I am trademarking that)

- midway through movie I go pass out in her bed with her on the couch. Wake up at 6am, relieved to find nothing sticking out of me indicative of late night stabbing. No other pain or visible injuries other than preexisting. On a positive note, I wake to find her next to me wearing only a thong, nice body particularly the teets which were not refurbished (yet).

- once we're both up, she repeatedly mentions that she has "body image issues" and that she hasn't been naked with anyone since her "nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago", so obviously I'm thinking both "thank god that's behind her" and "wow, this is going to be easier than I thought."

- (this is the part that makes everything before seem normal by comparison) she tells me she's self conscious about her legs because she "cuts herself" and thinks she has scars on them. But I checked em out and I didn't see any.

- at around 8am I'm thinking I've had enough fun for one night and pretty much ready to pack it in when she whips out a bottle of pear flavored grey goose and starts making screw drivers right in the bedroom. So at this point I think things can't really get any weirder so I might as well be drunk. Between 8 and 2 we (and mostly her) proceed to polish off a half a tall bottle of grey goose.

- did I mention she was chain smoking in bed the whole time?

- somewhere around 1pm-ish she gets a call from her mom telling her to call her dad. She calls her dad while I'm laying there. Before she calls him she tells me he's "a major alcoholic" I never would've guessed that.

- after that phone call we're laying there naked and she swears she "finds a lump" under her left breast. AGAIN, NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. I see her proceed to search her blackberry contacts for her doctor to call him to make an appt. She could not have had more doctors numbers in her phone if she worked the switchboard at new york presbyterian.

- bout an hour after that, I'm like "I gotta go to work" and she kind of goes a little nuts and says "oh, it's like I thought."

Oh Well, at least its like one of us thought. That's when I got the f out of dodge.

hungover thought

at the next oscars i'd like to see them do a montage of really old actors who are still alive. that way, in a couple years, when these guys are on the reel of dead guys, everyone will have spent the last few years knowing they were alive. that would be a really nice tribute to them.

adopt a friend

since this blog began it has offered very little entertainment but i have adopted a panda, a cheetah, and a giant tortoise. my apartment is now crowded and dangerous. the panda in particular is kind of an asshole.

evolution vs. creationism

Are we absolutely sure that man evolved from apes? because I would swear that some people evolved from turtles.

so this blog is dead, right?

Many of the people who write for this blog were on Air France flight 447, and were David Carradine, and David Carradine's penis. 

You Gotta Have Heart

This stupid, cheesy commercial plays nonstop between 6 - 8am during the week. Why are we purchasing such a design from Jane "Dr. Quinn" Seymour? She looks like she's had 8 husbands and 51 dicks since she first found "the one."




And why is this design a "universal symbol of hope and love?" If you had a heart that was actually open like the design, you'd be dead. Playing a doctor for 149 episodes, you'd think the Medicine Woman know this. Giving this garbage to your significant other is like saying "I hope you die."

Actually, I'll purchase a couple.

The Crab Situation

Third sleeve email exchanges re-enacted in comic strip form. For excerpts of actual emails, see below.




Heals: John, I was just telling Nemmy about the time you tried to buy the crab for $100. Maybe you can fill in some of the details from your negotiations. SB, your detailed analysis of the situation would probably also help with our understanding of the whole situation. Nemmy thinks they should have sold the crab. Perhaps with everyone's help we can really get to the bottom of this.

TBD: I never really understood why they wouldn't sell me the crab. Must have been some kind of liability issue. I mean, we were the only people in the restaurant and I was ready to hand over a hundo to the lady. She laughed at the offer and said for $100 they would cook the crab and she would eat it in front of me. I still don't get her reasoning, but I wasn't going to push the issue after she brought out those two dudes from the back room who just stared at us until we left. Good times.

Nemmy: Where was this? What town? I'm picturing a chinese food place where your server wore black slacks, white button down shirt and a red vest sort of like something a pool shark might wear. Did the guy who sat you have whispy facial hair? Was heals wearing a hat?

Kentucky Derby

With the Kentucky Derby right around the corner, it’s time to start evaluating potential winners. There are several factors that go into picking a winner. And after thinking about it, it’s also a pretty good way of evaluating women. So take a trot with me…

Breeding. In horse racing, a winning lineage can help predict a winning offspring. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty close. If the sire was a great distance horse, and the dam was good on a sloppy track, chances are your offspring will be good going long distances in sloppy conditions. Same with girls. If they have good parents, chances are they turned out alright. Good breeding is very important to finding a winner.

Jockey. In horse racing, a very select few have a say in the outcome of a race. In fact here’s the formula. 80% percent of jockeys have no say if their horse can win a race. It’s all on the horse. But, 10 percent of jockeys can win a race for a horse, and 10 percent can lose a race for a horse. Same thing with a girl’s friends. It’s mostly up to the girl whether it’s successful. But a girl’s best friend can either steer a relationship into prosperity or bad results. Shitty friends = shitty outcomes. Great friends can lead to victory.

Equipment. In horse racing, the slightest equipment changes can make all the difference. Blinkers are a piece of equipment used on horse so that it can only look forward, making sure they’re not distracted by what’s going on around them. Some horses run better with blinkers, some don’t. Sometimes when other horses are still in the picture, it’s distracting to the horse. With women, blinkers are like ex boyfriends. Some women can perform with ex’s in their life, others are still hung up they can’t focus on the task at hand. Too caught up in what’s around them rather then winning the race. Putting blinkers on a woman is basically the equivalent on making give up contact with the ex’s or other potential suitors. Look for horses wearing blinkers. It means they’re at least trying to win.

Odds. Be careful of the favorite. Sure they win 30% of the time, but where’s the value? Favorites are like sluts. Yeah you win the race, but what do you have to show for it? Long shots are difficult too. These are the horses that have so many defects or reasons not to win, they’re barely worth playing. By the time you win with one of these nags, you’ve invested so much, you’re luck to even get your money back. Then there are the teases. The horses that look great on paper, have a decent price, but they just haven’t won yet. Be careful of these horses. If they’re so great, why haven’t they won. In my estimation, you want a horse that’s used to winning, but has also done it against other winners. A girl who goes home with the cute guy, but surrounds herself with a bunch of hags is not really a winner.

Good luck with your bet.

Jaws of Love

If there's one thing I learned in advertising, it's that creative directors at ad agencies get paid way too much money for something any idiot can do.

To illustrate, I will create a 30 second spot free of charge.


Advertiser: Trojan
Agency: The Third Sleeve
Art Director: Bagger
Copywriter: Bagger
Length: 30 seconds
Title: "Jaws of Love"

Open on a swanky bar in any urban setting in the US. An attractive man, early 30s, looks across the bar and sees something he likes.

(Jaws theme music begins, slowly as the man eyes his "prey")

Cut to a beautiful woman, mid to late 20s, stirring her drink sensuously. She notices the man across the bar glancing at her. She sheepishly looks down, then up again, smiling at her would be suitor.

(Jaws theme music builds in tempo)

The camera is positioned behind the man as he gets up from his seat. In the same frame, focus shifts from man to the woman across the bar (an homage to Spielberg's famous rack focus shot in Jaws).

Swipe cut to the man and women in a penthouse apartment. The women is sitting on the bed with the man standing in front of her. The bright lights of the city sparkle in the background.

She takes the man's belt off slowly. We hear sound of the zipper being pulled down

Close up on women's face. She smiles, looks up at the man.

(Jaws theme music erupts in its final dramatic crescendo)

Woman: We're gonna need a bigger condom

End frame super: Trojan Magnum Condoms: For when a smaller weapon just won't slay the beast.

Law & Order: volume #1 and #2

One of the great natural pleasures that God bestowed upon man is peeing outside. There's nothing quite like being outside in the Fall or early Springtime (when there's still a bit of chill in the air), finding a nice quiet spot (be it on the edge of a tree line, behind some bushes, or perhaps against the side of a building), and watching the steam rise as your piss touches down on the good old planet earth. (Thank God for gravity - for now.) That's right - no sewer system, no septic tank, no port-o-john, no porcelain god with the seat up, no urinal splattering microscopic urine particles back in your face and all over your best shirt - just you and the earth, connected for a few brief moments by a golden stream of what used to be Coors Light.   

But some states have made public urination a crime and worse yet, some states treat it as a "sex offense" - often even requiring the "perp" to register as a "sex offender". Now, look, I think we can all agree that if your idea of peeing outside is hanging your guy through the chain-link fence of a local playground, then you are indeed a "sex offender" - FUCK YOU! (hear that Dan Collins?) In fact, one might even question if such a person really needed to pee at all. But, for the most part, peeing outside (and, for most people, peeing in general) is not even part of the sex act - unless you include "things you do immediately after having sex". So, I guess, if someone is peeing outside because they've just had sex outside, that would be a legal gray area requiring further analysis on a case by case basis. 

Crapping outside: different story altogether. Though never sexual (or sex-y), we can estimate (with the use of no data whatsoever) that a higher percentage of outdoor crappings rate much higher on the indecency-o-meter than outdoor pissings. And, if done carefully, an outdoor crapping may not even require frontal exposure (though admittedly, most outdoor crappings are probably executed with little care - throwing caution to the wind so to speak).      

The point is simple: if we start grouping the average pee-er in with the sex offenders, we undermine the important role of the online sex offender registry: namely, to help identify houses to shit on and otherwise vandalize. Just please remember to shit in the paper bag at home, before you go to his house.     

George Carlin's Cover Letter

As far as I know, George Carlin never had to write a cover letter. But what if he did...

To: The Fat, Uncreative Fuck Reading This:

I guess I'm supposed to tell you why I should get this job. Well here's what you should know about me. I'm sick of jumping through hoops, I'm tired of waiting my turn. I've had it with paying my dues, sick of keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of waiting for the go around to come around and I don't want to be a company man. I'm done holding doors, doing chores and talking to bores. I'm not here to impress, I'm not dressed for success. I don't want to be here before 9 or after 5. I don't wanna shake your hand, not interested in giving you a pound. I don't want to make your life easier. I don't care where you've been, don't care who you know. I'm done with giving it my best shot. Don't want to make a good showing. Quitters do win and winners do quit. The glass is not half full, except with shit. The great American dream is the great American scheme. Don't have a long term plan, don't have any short term goals. My sneakers smell, my socks have holes. I want bad things to happen to you. I don't want to say all the right things, not interested in stating my case. I'm under medicated and over caffeinated. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I don't know where I see myself in 5 minutes. I'm not goal oriented, I don't have people skills. I'm sick of working the maximum for the bare minimum. I'm not a team player, I won't learn the plays. Come to think of it this team sucks anyway. I won't fight the good fight, won't break new ground and I'll supplement my income stealing from the lost and found. Oh and I don't have any references.

Up yours truly,

George Carlin

Spray It On

So I was doing what I do best yesterday, getting paid to take a massive crap at work. Having the man instinctual need to read something, I picked up the Professional Lysol spray can. Holy shit (no pun intended). Have you ever read this thing?

The front of the can says it kills 99.9 percent of germs in 30 seconds. Ok, no big deal. But apparently this thing also kills crazy viruses and bacteria. Take a look at the red box: E. Coli, Hepatitis, Herpes, HIV-1 AIDS Virus. Yes that's right, AIDS.

"Kills Human Immunodeficiency Virus Type 1 (HIV-1)(AIDS VIRUS) and Hepatitis B Virus on Precleaned Environmental Surfaces/Objects Previously Soiled with Blood/Body Fluids "

So let me get this straight. I can have dirty Unfaithful sex with Roberto Alomar, spray this stuff on my man-bits and I'll be fine? Why are we hoarding this stuff for the overweight tech guy in the office that takes woolly mammoth shits? Why don't we ship this miracle spray off to Africa (or the Rock of Love Bus)?

The cure is here ladies and gentlemen. Lysol be thy name.

Missed Connections

Remember me? Last night we met at the bar and you wouldn't stop rubbing up against me and my friends. Your confident light blue Polo windbreaker worn open over that sexy black turtleneck gave you complete command over the entire bar. I asked you your name and you said, "I'm Dan Collins. I like UCONN". I was like 'I'm not gay" but it just didn't seem to matter to you Dan Collins. That's one of the things  I liked about you Dan Collins, UCONN fan: you know what you want and nothing. nothing. comes between you and the object of your desire. Literally nothing - No matter how much room there is at the bar to back up and give me some fucking space, you insist on leaning into my back and breathing your whiskey breath down the back of my neck. My efforts to dissuade you were as futile as aiming a fart into the wind. And you bring that same persistence to your undying devotion to UCONN basketball. Even after the Huskies had fallen to Michigan State, you continued to support them. Even after the Nova/ UNC game had begun, still you would not relent. You cheered your Huskies on to win that game too - a game in which they did not even play. And in the end, you prevailed, and tomorrow night, the Huskies of Connecticut will play the UCONN Huskies for the NCAA championship. I think we all know who the winner will be in that contest: it's you Dan Collins.   

Dolla, Dolla Bills!

I've decided that I agree with all the new government policies regarding executive compensation. I would like to add one more which I think makes perfect sense. People on Wall Street who push paper should receive little to no compensation. The only people who should earn significant salaries are those who actually make money. By "making money", I mean individuals who work for the U.S. Mint. Bonuses will be paid based on how much money you make. While there will be immediate uproar from those working on the George Washington line claiming unfairness because they do the same exact job as those who work on the Ben Franklin line, those are the breaks. Think about the guys working on nickels and pennies! Clearly making money is the most logical way to encourage people to work harder. It will encourage growth in the U.S. Minting industry which is poised to reap significant benefit from the bailout plan...why should these workers not be compensated accordingly? We should encourage people to make more money. Forget about working for some evil bank, work for the U.S. Mint and make money! We should also pay auto workers based on how many cars they make. Who cares about the quality or whether they can actually be sold because there is no financing available...(or whether they can actually be driven because there's a bag of Sakrete where the engine is supposed to be). The auto worker did his job and he should be paid at the expense of others. After all, the auto industry is what drives our economy.  

Man Coughs Up 30 Year Old Nail

Doctors: "That's no small nail!"

Have You Ever...

Pretended that your farts are like nitrous bursts that allow you go faster during a run?

Me neither.

The Way I See It...

The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world. People I want to see jogging and people I don't want to see jogging.

Baby's First Steps

I don't hate your kid. I really don't. It's adorable to watch him bumbling up the subway stairs all on his own, with his tiny chicken legs straining with each step. His little muscles are pumping with such determination, maybe he'll grow up to be champion mountain climber. This is a great moment for him and your family. Wow, look at him go. You should be proud of him for the accomplishment. I'm proud of him.

But it's fucking rush hour. It's gonna take me 15 minutes to get up to the surface because of this log jam. Pick up your god damned kid before he gets punted Reggie Roby style up the stairs. Thanks.

Live Blogging from class: Geopolitics of Energy Security in Eurasia

Live blogging from my Energy Security in Eurasia class right now. It's a graduate course, but there is one undergrad girl in the class. She really offers a lot to the discussions. Right now, we're talking about Russia's energy policy and the potential implications of the development of Iran's South Pars natural gas field. Her reply: "Russia is such a meany." She then proceeded to flip through her daily planner and exclaim, "oh my god, I totally forgot I have a paper due tomorrow."

Right, thanks for your valuable input.