George Carlin's Cover Letter

As far as I know, George Carlin never had to write a cover letter. But what if he did...

To: The Fat, Uncreative Fuck Reading This:

I guess I'm supposed to tell you why I should get this job. Well here's what you should know about me. I'm sick of jumping through hoops, I'm tired of waiting my turn. I've had it with paying my dues, sick of keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of waiting for the go around to come around and I don't want to be a company man. I'm done holding doors, doing chores and talking to bores. I'm not here to impress, I'm not dressed for success. I don't want to be here before 9 or after 5. I don't wanna shake your hand, not interested in giving you a pound. I don't want to make your life easier. I don't care where you've been, don't care who you know. I'm done with giving it my best shot. Don't want to make a good showing. Quitters do win and winners do quit. The glass is not half full, except with shit. The great American dream is the great American scheme. Don't have a long term plan, don't have any short term goals. My sneakers smell, my socks have holes. I want bad things to happen to you. I don't want to say all the right things, not interested in stating my case. I'm under medicated and over caffeinated. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I don't know where I see myself in 5 minutes. I'm not goal oriented, I don't have people skills. I'm sick of working the maximum for the bare minimum. I'm not a team player, I won't learn the plays. Come to think of it this team sucks anyway. I won't fight the good fight, won't break new ground and I'll supplement my income stealing from the lost and found. Oh and I don't have any references.

Up yours truly,

George Carlin