Remember me? Last night we met at the bar and you wouldn't stop rubbing up against me and my friends. Your confident light blue Polo windbreaker worn open over that sexy black turtleneck gave you complete command over the entire bar. I asked you your name and you said, "I'm Dan Collins. I like UCONN". I was like 'I'm not gay" but it just didn't seem to matter to you Dan Collins. That's one of the things I liked about you Dan Collins, UCONN fan: you know what you want and nothing. nothing. comes between you and the object of your desire. Literally nothing - No matter how much room there is at the bar to back up and give me some fucking space, you insist on leaning into my back and breathing your whiskey breath down the back of my neck. My efforts to dissuade you were as futile as aiming a fart into the wind. And you bring that same persistence to your undying devotion to UCONN basketball. Even after the Huskies had fallen to Michigan State, you continued to support them. Even after the Nova/ UNC game had begun, still you would not relent. You cheered your Huskies on to win that game too - a game in which they did not even play. And in the end, you prevailed, and tomorrow night, the Huskies of Connecticut will play the UCONN Huskies for the NCAA championship. I think we all know who the winner will be in that contest: it's you Dan Collins.
I literally farted on this guy to try to get him to fall back. Not only did it not work, but I'm pretty sure he liked it. He also tried to pay for a jack and coke with his metro card and a duane reade receipt.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Dan Collins in every bar in America.
ReplyDeleteNo silly goose, that's Tom Collins.
ReplyDeleteBagger, I meant figuratively speaking, there is a "Dan Collins" in every bar in America. Every "Dan Collins" might not actually be named "Dan Collins," but they would have the same qualities as the "Dan Collins who likes UCONN Dan Collins." That isn't to say that there may be another "Dan Collins who likes UCONN" whose name just happens to be "Dan Collins" as well. It's a small world.
ReplyDeleteIn the wise words of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa!"
ReplyDeleteI thought that was a phrase made popular by Joey Lawrence.
ReplyDeleteDuane Reade receipts may become the common form currency if we keeping printing dollars. 190mgofcaffeine, this Dan Collins you speak of may have been on to something.
In the very near post-apocalyptic, gravity-less future, drinking water and gas will be the only currency with any value and only way to get gas will be to go to Brother Jimmy's and trade jugs of drinking water for cans of PBR.
ReplyDelete