my "date"

Here's a few highlights from my "date". I can't even make this shit up, wish I were believe me.

- 10 minutes after we get to her place we begin watching Match Point, reinforces preexisting fears of being killed by her

- 15 minutes in, she friends me on facebook (thank god I didn't accept it on my bb). this leads to hour long conversation about her "x-best friend" who sent her a frenvitation (does that word exist yet? I am trademarking that)

- midway through movie I go pass out in her bed with her on the couch. Wake up at 6am, relieved to find nothing sticking out of me indicative of late night stabbing. No other pain or visible injuries other than preexisting. On a positive note, I wake to find her next to me wearing only a thong, nice body particularly the teets which were not refurbished (yet).

- once we're both up, she repeatedly mentions that she has "body image issues" and that she hasn't been naked with anyone since her "nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago", so obviously I'm thinking both "thank god that's behind her" and "wow, this is going to be easier than I thought."

- (this is the part that makes everything before seem normal by comparison) she tells me she's self conscious about her legs because she "cuts herself" and thinks she has scars on them. But I checked em out and I didn't see any.

- at around 8am I'm thinking I've had enough fun for one night and pretty much ready to pack it in when she whips out a bottle of pear flavored grey goose and starts making screw drivers right in the bedroom. So at this point I think things can't really get any weirder so I might as well be drunk. Between 8 and 2 we (and mostly her) proceed to polish off a half a tall bottle of grey goose.

- did I mention she was chain smoking in bed the whole time?

- somewhere around 1pm-ish she gets a call from her mom telling her to call her dad. She calls her dad while I'm laying there. Before she calls him she tells me he's "a major alcoholic" I never would've guessed that.

- after that phone call we're laying there naked and she swears she "finds a lump" under her left breast. AGAIN, NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. I see her proceed to search her blackberry contacts for her doctor to call him to make an appt. She could not have had more doctors numbers in her phone if she worked the switchboard at new york presbyterian.

- bout an hour after that, I'm like "I gotta go to work" and she kind of goes a little nuts and says "oh, it's like I thought."

Oh Well, at least its like one of us thought. That's when I got the f out of dodge.