Bank Robbery

I hate banks. I hate them with every part of my being. I hate them because I’m broke. I have nothing to offer them. They have nothing to offer me. And it’s been this way for the better part of ten years. But then they ruined our relationship, and here’s how. I pulled into the bank parking lot. No spots. Everyone is broke, but not a spot to be had at the bank. Something is wrong. I fill out my sad little deposit slip in the outer lobby. A check for 11 dollars that will become cash in two weeks. Fuck my life. Anyway I walk through the gates of hell and what do I see. A table set up on the bank floor, right in front of the entrance. Its 5 adorable Girl Scouts selling cookies, along with their delightful parents. These are probably the assholes that took up all the parking spots. “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies!” I used an exclamation point for a reason. They didn’t ask me a question. They asked me a demand in the form of a question, and loud enough for everyone in the bank to see what I scumbag I am. I politely respond, “Oh no thank you, I’m on a diet.” I’m not, but fuck them. I lie to strangers. Then mommy (a shade under 3 bills herself) responds with the shittiest thing I’ve ever heard. “Well, you can buy them and we send them to the troops.” You bitch. So now, you’ve left me with an ultimatum of disappointing, your kids, the Girl Scouts of America, and the troops. I told them I didn’t have any money (I lied) but I would buy some when I was done. I finish my deposit, walk over to the table and flipped the table, kicked a girl scout, and tongued the hottest mom there. Wait, I bought TWO boxes and left in shame.

Now here’s my problem. First, The Girl Scouts gotta stop. This country is full of giant people. The last thing we need is easier access to cookies. There are more than enough places to buycookies. I sure as shit don’t need to find cookies at a bank. And I don’t need them being pushed on me. And how dare you use the troops. Wanna help the troops? Donate money for bullet proof vests. I’m sure during a crisis, they’re not thinking “I could sure go for a box of Samoas”

By the way. I’m broke. I’m eating almonds for lunch. I don’t want to buy your over priced pieces of shit. Can I leave the bank without spending money. There ain’t a lot of places where this is possible. A bank used to be one them. And I'm blaming the mothers. The kids didn't think to set up shop at the bank. They wanna be at the bank on a weekend like I wanna be at the bank on a weekend. I don't ask for much out of life, but at least recognize this. I don’t want to disappoint your kids, I want to disappoint my kids. At least give me that.