THE ANDY ROONEY VITALITY TRACKER

(This first paragraph is to be read in your mind’s best whiny, Andy-Rooney-voice impersonation.)

Did ya ever wonder why people don’t send each other paper letters in the mail anymore? Today everything’s done with computers. I don’t like that. Computers confuse me. Remember when people used to write letters with a pencil? I liked that. Now everything's on email. (sigh) Oops, I crapped my pants.

I admit that I watch 60 Minutes every week, but the only reason is so I don’t miss the day they announce that Andy has died. I’m like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting, where the best part of my Sunday is when I turn on 60 Minutes, cause I think maybe, one day, I'll turn on that TV and Andy won’t be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothin’.

Rooney has completely lost any ability whatsoever to make a profound observation and now he is just listing obvious shit (so basically he has turned into the 60 Minutes II Charles Grodin version of Andy Rooney). I almost question whether Andy writes this stuff before he gets in front of the camera or if he is just constantly rambling in his office and CBS rolls in a crew once a week to record him for a few minutes.

And now thanks to the wonders of the internet, we can all enjoy Andy's 2 minute Sunday segments any day of the week. Check out this one on heroism.



I have an idea. Transcribe the first 50 seconds of that video - in crayon – and submit it to any fourth grade teacher to see if she can pick it out of a group of her students’ papers on the topic of heroism.

“War is civilization at its worst”

Deep.

“…and it’s a strange twist that there’s more heroism at war than at any other time.”

Heavy.

“Men do things for each other at war that they’d never think of doing for each other at peace. Why is that?”

I don’t know Andy, maybe because most guys don’t get a chance to take a bullet for their cube-mate. Or throw themselves on a hand grenade in line at Starbucks. Why is that?

Men also do things TO each other during war that they’d never think of doing in a time of peace. Why is that? What the hell am I talking about? What’s Rooney trying to say to us with this piece? Is war good or bad? Just tell us Andy and don't make us think so damn much. He’s like a riddle, wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside an Alzheimer’s patient, broadcast to a national audience.