The Crab Situation

Third sleeve email exchanges re-enacted in comic strip form. For excerpts of actual emails, see below.




Heals: John, I was just telling Nemmy about the time you tried to buy the crab for $100. Maybe you can fill in some of the details from your negotiations. SB, your detailed analysis of the situation would probably also help with our understanding of the whole situation. Nemmy thinks they should have sold the crab. Perhaps with everyone's help we can really get to the bottom of this.

TBD: I never really understood why they wouldn't sell me the crab. Must have been some kind of liability issue. I mean, we were the only people in the restaurant and I was ready to hand over a hundo to the lady. She laughed at the offer and said for $100 they would cook the crab and she would eat it in front of me. I still don't get her reasoning, but I wasn't going to push the issue after she brought out those two dudes from the back room who just stared at us until we left. Good times.

Nemmy: Where was this? What town? I'm picturing a chinese food place where your server wore black slacks, white button down shirt and a red vest sort of like something a pool shark might wear. Did the guy who sat you have whispy facial hair? Was heals wearing a hat?

Kentucky Derby

With the Kentucky Derby right around the corner, it’s time to start evaluating potential winners. There are several factors that go into picking a winner. And after thinking about it, it’s also a pretty good way of evaluating women. So take a trot with me…

Breeding. In horse racing, a winning lineage can help predict a winning offspring. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty close. If the sire was a great distance horse, and the dam was good on a sloppy track, chances are your offspring will be good going long distances in sloppy conditions. Same with girls. If they have good parents, chances are they turned out alright. Good breeding is very important to finding a winner.

Jockey. In horse racing, a very select few have a say in the outcome of a race. In fact here’s the formula. 80% percent of jockeys have no say if their horse can win a race. It’s all on the horse. But, 10 percent of jockeys can win a race for a horse, and 10 percent can lose a race for a horse. Same thing with a girl’s friends. It’s mostly up to the girl whether it’s successful. But a girl’s best friend can either steer a relationship into prosperity or bad results. Shitty friends = shitty outcomes. Great friends can lead to victory.

Equipment. In horse racing, the slightest equipment changes can make all the difference. Blinkers are a piece of equipment used on horse so that it can only look forward, making sure they’re not distracted by what’s going on around them. Some horses run better with blinkers, some don’t. Sometimes when other horses are still in the picture, it’s distracting to the horse. With women, blinkers are like ex boyfriends. Some women can perform with ex’s in their life, others are still hung up they can’t focus on the task at hand. Too caught up in what’s around them rather then winning the race. Putting blinkers on a woman is basically the equivalent on making give up contact with the ex’s or other potential suitors. Look for horses wearing blinkers. It means they’re at least trying to win.

Odds. Be careful of the favorite. Sure they win 30% of the time, but where’s the value? Favorites are like sluts. Yeah you win the race, but what do you have to show for it? Long shots are difficult too. These are the horses that have so many defects or reasons not to win, they’re barely worth playing. By the time you win with one of these nags, you’ve invested so much, you’re luck to even get your money back. Then there are the teases. The horses that look great on paper, have a decent price, but they just haven’t won yet. Be careful of these horses. If they’re so great, why haven’t they won. In my estimation, you want a horse that’s used to winning, but has also done it against other winners. A girl who goes home with the cute guy, but surrounds herself with a bunch of hags is not really a winner.

Good luck with your bet.

Jaws of Love

If there's one thing I learned in advertising, it's that creative directors at ad agencies get paid way too much money for something any idiot can do.

To illustrate, I will create a 30 second spot free of charge.


Advertiser: Trojan
Agency: The Third Sleeve
Art Director: Bagger
Copywriter: Bagger
Length: 30 seconds
Title: "Jaws of Love"

Open on a swanky bar in any urban setting in the US. An attractive man, early 30s, looks across the bar and sees something he likes.

(Jaws theme music begins, slowly as the man eyes his "prey")

Cut to a beautiful woman, mid to late 20s, stirring her drink sensuously. She notices the man across the bar glancing at her. She sheepishly looks down, then up again, smiling at her would be suitor.

(Jaws theme music builds in tempo)

The camera is positioned behind the man as he gets up from his seat. In the same frame, focus shifts from man to the woman across the bar (an homage to Spielberg's famous rack focus shot in Jaws).

Swipe cut to the man and women in a penthouse apartment. The women is sitting on the bed with the man standing in front of her. The bright lights of the city sparkle in the background.

She takes the man's belt off slowly. We hear sound of the zipper being pulled down

Close up on women's face. She smiles, looks up at the man.

(Jaws theme music erupts in its final dramatic crescendo)

Woman: We're gonna need a bigger condom

End frame super: Trojan Magnum Condoms: For when a smaller weapon just won't slay the beast.

Law & Order: volume #1 and #2

One of the great natural pleasures that God bestowed upon man is peeing outside. There's nothing quite like being outside in the Fall or early Springtime (when there's still a bit of chill in the air), finding a nice quiet spot (be it on the edge of a tree line, behind some bushes, or perhaps against the side of a building), and watching the steam rise as your piss touches down on the good old planet earth. (Thank God for gravity - for now.) That's right - no sewer system, no septic tank, no port-o-john, no porcelain god with the seat up, no urinal splattering microscopic urine particles back in your face and all over your best shirt - just you and the earth, connected for a few brief moments by a golden stream of what used to be Coors Light.   

But some states have made public urination a crime and worse yet, some states treat it as a "sex offense" - often even requiring the "perp" to register as a "sex offender". Now, look, I think we can all agree that if your idea of peeing outside is hanging your guy through the chain-link fence of a local playground, then you are indeed a "sex offender" - FUCK YOU! (hear that Dan Collins?) In fact, one might even question if such a person really needed to pee at all. But, for the most part, peeing outside (and, for most people, peeing in general) is not even part of the sex act - unless you include "things you do immediately after having sex". So, I guess, if someone is peeing outside because they've just had sex outside, that would be a legal gray area requiring further analysis on a case by case basis. 

Crapping outside: different story altogether. Though never sexual (or sex-y), we can estimate (with the use of no data whatsoever) that a higher percentage of outdoor crappings rate much higher on the indecency-o-meter than outdoor pissings. And, if done carefully, an outdoor crapping may not even require frontal exposure (though admittedly, most outdoor crappings are probably executed with little care - throwing caution to the wind so to speak).      

The point is simple: if we start grouping the average pee-er in with the sex offenders, we undermine the important role of the online sex offender registry: namely, to help identify houses to shit on and otherwise vandalize. Just please remember to shit in the paper bag at home, before you go to his house.     

George Carlin's Cover Letter

As far as I know, George Carlin never had to write a cover letter. But what if he did...

To: The Fat, Uncreative Fuck Reading This:

I guess I'm supposed to tell you why I should get this job. Well here's what you should know about me. I'm sick of jumping through hoops, I'm tired of waiting my turn. I've had it with paying my dues, sick of keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of waiting for the go around to come around and I don't want to be a company man. I'm done holding doors, doing chores and talking to bores. I'm not here to impress, I'm not dressed for success. I don't want to be here before 9 or after 5. I don't wanna shake your hand, not interested in giving you a pound. I don't want to make your life easier. I don't care where you've been, don't care who you know. I'm done with giving it my best shot. Don't want to make a good showing. Quitters do win and winners do quit. The glass is not half full, except with shit. The great American dream is the great American scheme. Don't have a long term plan, don't have any short term goals. My sneakers smell, my socks have holes. I want bad things to happen to you. I don't want to say all the right things, not interested in stating my case. I'm under medicated and over caffeinated. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I don't know where I see myself in 5 minutes. I'm not goal oriented, I don't have people skills. I'm sick of working the maximum for the bare minimum. I'm not a team player, I won't learn the plays. Come to think of it this team sucks anyway. I won't fight the good fight, won't break new ground and I'll supplement my income stealing from the lost and found. Oh and I don't have any references.

Up yours truly,

George Carlin

Spray It On

So I was doing what I do best yesterday, getting paid to take a massive crap at work. Having the man instinctual need to read something, I picked up the Professional Lysol spray can. Holy shit (no pun intended). Have you ever read this thing?

The front of the can says it kills 99.9 percent of germs in 30 seconds. Ok, no big deal. But apparently this thing also kills crazy viruses and bacteria. Take a look at the red box: E. Coli, Hepatitis, Herpes, HIV-1 AIDS Virus. Yes that's right, AIDS.

"Kills Human Immunodeficiency Virus Type 1 (HIV-1)(AIDS VIRUS) and Hepatitis B Virus on Precleaned Environmental Surfaces/Objects Previously Soiled with Blood/Body Fluids "

So let me get this straight. I can have dirty Unfaithful sex with Roberto Alomar, spray this stuff on my man-bits and I'll be fine? Why are we hoarding this stuff for the overweight tech guy in the office that takes woolly mammoth shits? Why don't we ship this miracle spray off to Africa (or the Rock of Love Bus)?

The cure is here ladies and gentlemen. Lysol be thy name.

Missed Connections

Remember me? Last night we met at the bar and you wouldn't stop rubbing up against me and my friends. Your confident light blue Polo windbreaker worn open over that sexy black turtleneck gave you complete command over the entire bar. I asked you your name and you said, "I'm Dan Collins. I like UCONN". I was like 'I'm not gay" but it just didn't seem to matter to you Dan Collins. That's one of the things  I liked about you Dan Collins, UCONN fan: you know what you want and nothing. nothing. comes between you and the object of your desire. Literally nothing - No matter how much room there is at the bar to back up and give me some fucking space, you insist on leaning into my back and breathing your whiskey breath down the back of my neck. My efforts to dissuade you were as futile as aiming a fart into the wind. And you bring that same persistence to your undying devotion to UCONN basketball. Even after the Huskies had fallen to Michigan State, you continued to support them. Even after the Nova/ UNC game had begun, still you would not relent. You cheered your Huskies on to win that game too - a game in which they did not even play. And in the end, you prevailed, and tomorrow night, the Huskies of Connecticut will play the UCONN Huskies for the NCAA championship. I think we all know who the winner will be in that contest: it's you Dan Collins.   

Dolla, Dolla Bills!

I've decided that I agree with all the new government policies regarding executive compensation. I would like to add one more which I think makes perfect sense. People on Wall Street who push paper should receive little to no compensation. The only people who should earn significant salaries are those who actually make money. By "making money", I mean individuals who work for the U.S. Mint. Bonuses will be paid based on how much money you make. While there will be immediate uproar from those working on the George Washington line claiming unfairness because they do the same exact job as those who work on the Ben Franklin line, those are the breaks. Think about the guys working on nickels and pennies! Clearly making money is the most logical way to encourage people to work harder. It will encourage growth in the U.S. Minting industry which is poised to reap significant benefit from the bailout plan...why should these workers not be compensated accordingly? We should encourage people to make more money. Forget about working for some evil bank, work for the U.S. Mint and make money! We should also pay auto workers based on how many cars they make. Who cares about the quality or whether they can actually be sold because there is no financing available...(or whether they can actually be driven because there's a bag of Sakrete where the engine is supposed to be). The auto worker did his job and he should be paid at the expense of others. After all, the auto industry is what drives our economy.  

Man Coughs Up 30 Year Old Nail

Doctors: "That's no small nail!"

Have You Ever...

Pretended that your farts are like nitrous bursts that allow you go faster during a run?

Me neither.