my "date"

Here's a few highlights from my "date". I can't even make this shit up, wish I were believe me.

- 10 minutes after we get to her place we begin watching Match Point, reinforces preexisting fears of being killed by her

- 15 minutes in, she friends me on facebook (thank god I didn't accept it on my bb). this leads to hour long conversation about her "x-best friend" who sent her a frenvitation (does that word exist yet? I am trademarking that)

- midway through movie I go pass out in her bed with her on the couch. Wake up at 6am, relieved to find nothing sticking out of me indicative of late night stabbing. No other pain or visible injuries other than preexisting. On a positive note, I wake to find her next to me wearing only a thong, nice body particularly the teets which were not refurbished (yet).

- once we're both up, she repeatedly mentions that she has "body image issues" and that she hasn't been naked with anyone since her "nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago", so obviously I'm thinking both "thank god that's behind her" and "wow, this is going to be easier than I thought."

- (this is the part that makes everything before seem normal by comparison) she tells me she's self conscious about her legs because she "cuts herself" and thinks she has scars on them. But I checked em out and I didn't see any.

- at around 8am I'm thinking I've had enough fun for one night and pretty much ready to pack it in when she whips out a bottle of pear flavored grey goose and starts making screw drivers right in the bedroom. So at this point I think things can't really get any weirder so I might as well be drunk. Between 8 and 2 we (and mostly her) proceed to polish off a half a tall bottle of grey goose.

- did I mention she was chain smoking in bed the whole time?

- somewhere around 1pm-ish she gets a call from her mom telling her to call her dad. She calls her dad while I'm laying there. Before she calls him she tells me he's "a major alcoholic" I never would've guessed that.

- after that phone call we're laying there naked and she swears she "finds a lump" under her left breast. AGAIN, NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. I see her proceed to search her blackberry contacts for her doctor to call him to make an appt. She could not have had more doctors numbers in her phone if she worked the switchboard at new york presbyterian.

- bout an hour after that, I'm like "I gotta go to work" and she kind of goes a little nuts and says "oh, it's like I thought."

Oh Well, at least its like one of us thought. That's when I got the f out of dodge.

hungover thought

at the next oscars i'd like to see them do a montage of really old actors who are still alive. that way, in a couple years, when these guys are on the reel of dead guys, everyone will have spent the last few years knowing they were alive. that would be a really nice tribute to them.

adopt a friend

since this blog began it has offered very little entertainment but i have adopted a panda, a cheetah, and a giant tortoise. my apartment is now crowded and dangerous. the panda in particular is kind of an asshole.

evolution vs. creationism

Are we absolutely sure that man evolved from apes? because I would swear that some people evolved from turtles.

so this blog is dead, right?

Many of the people who write for this blog were on Air France flight 447, and were David Carradine, and David Carradine's penis. 

You Gotta Have Heart

This stupid, cheesy commercial plays nonstop between 6 - 8am during the week. Why are we purchasing such a design from Jane "Dr. Quinn" Seymour? She looks like she's had 8 husbands and 51 dicks since she first found "the one."




And why is this design a "universal symbol of hope and love?" If you had a heart that was actually open like the design, you'd be dead. Playing a doctor for 149 episodes, you'd think the Medicine Woman know this. Giving this garbage to your significant other is like saying "I hope you die."

Actually, I'll purchase a couple.

The Crab Situation

Third sleeve email exchanges re-enacted in comic strip form. For excerpts of actual emails, see below.




Heals: John, I was just telling Nemmy about the time you tried to buy the crab for $100. Maybe you can fill in some of the details from your negotiations. SB, your detailed analysis of the situation would probably also help with our understanding of the whole situation. Nemmy thinks they should have sold the crab. Perhaps with everyone's help we can really get to the bottom of this.

TBD: I never really understood why they wouldn't sell me the crab. Must have been some kind of liability issue. I mean, we were the only people in the restaurant and I was ready to hand over a hundo to the lady. She laughed at the offer and said for $100 they would cook the crab and she would eat it in front of me. I still don't get her reasoning, but I wasn't going to push the issue after she brought out those two dudes from the back room who just stared at us until we left. Good times.

Nemmy: Where was this? What town? I'm picturing a chinese food place where your server wore black slacks, white button down shirt and a red vest sort of like something a pool shark might wear. Did the guy who sat you have whispy facial hair? Was heals wearing a hat?